Survival of the Modern Man: Three Days Until Summer Break

Have you noticed your local teachers recently? You can hear them humming a tune, singing along to the Musak at the store, or even, God forbid, smiling for no reason at all?

Have you also seen the fear and panic on parents faces in the same stores?

One man's joy is another man's scream for boredom saving ideas for their pre-teen.

Ahhh. It there must be only three days until summer break. Smell the teen-spirit. Yuck!

Summer is a 'wonderfunly' time. Yes, I know that is 'unproper' English. But after another year of working with middle school kids who feel it is their duty to destroy the English language, run around punching each other, and who feel scientific discovery is finding what foods splat the most colorfully on the concrete when thrown out a second story window, it takes a few weeks to recover and become an articulate, semi-normal functioning member of society.

Me need still time to more recover now.

I don't get paid for summer breaks. Let's make that clear first and foremost. Teachers are only paid for the days they work, but have their checks pro-rated so that they aren't living under bridges in the summer and eating ramen noodles every day.

As a teacher, you feel you've earned summer break, while the rest of society feels you don't:

Let's see...

It's said teachers make 5-10 decisions every five minutes. Now, I know most of them have to do with the bathroom and making Solomon-like decisions over homework excuses, but they are still decisions, none-the-less. That means that I've made 87,840 decisions this year, minimum. That of course, is on top of teaching, dealing with good parents, bad parents, kid horrible and triumphant back stories, kid failures, and kid successes that make you both question and celebrate the very humanity that we are all a part of. Plus, google 'teachers suck' and find 3.8 million hits. Type "teachers are awesome!"and you’ll get 2 hits, both written by lonely teachers. No stress here.

All of this decision-making may be why I often stare blankly into the fridge late in the evening. My wife will ask me what I'm getting and I suddenly break down crying, "I just can't decide anymore!"

I know, a little too much information.

That's when she closes the refrigerator, opens the cabinet, and pours me a glass of the hard stuff. Yep, herbal tea is helps sooth, calm, delicious, and prevents one from becoming a raging alcoholic.

Smart woman, my wife.

So, let's just say I don't have any summer vacation guilt, or an herbal tea problem, as far as I know.

So if you're going to survive this craziness that is the last few days, remember the following:

Your control of the classroom is now hanging by a string. Live with it:

First, you know, the students know, and the parents know that there is nothing left to do. It's just killing time from here on out. This may be the only time of year when you ask a student to do something and when they chirp back like they always do with a, "Why?" you really have no legitimate reason. From what I've seen lately, the answer is usually, "Because this video is interesting," or "Because kickball is fun and exercise is good for you." It's time to throw away the lesson plans and just enjoy the circus or your head will explode.

There are more hormones flowing than at a NFL weight-lifting session (but these are legal):

Be careful. You may actually need to wipe yourself down with a towel after walking through the hallways because you're swimming in a sea of teen and pre-teen hormones that rage like a hurricane on the coast, only it's slightly more damp. See the grabbing over there? See the hugging over here? Carry a pry bar to pull the kids apart, love is in the air. Remember, teenage and pre-teenage love is natural. It's just not legal.

It's graduation time!

The kids in the high schools are getting their graduation gifts, which tend to be automobiles that you, as a teacher, could never afford. Remember, don't be bitter. However, it helps by making a slow leak in the student's tires for emotional fulfillment in these situations. You can't be too smug with a flat tire on your new Cobra.

Sing:

Hey, in three days, I'm gonna be singing "No more teachers, no more books!" with the kids as we run giddily out of the building. Just admit it, it's a catchy tune.

I didn't expect to see you here:

An added bonus is that we all get to look forward to the uncomfortable feeling as student and teacher meet accidentally in various stores and amusement areas over the summer. Discomfort you can actually cut with a knife!

Yep, as a teacher life is good if you can just survive the next few days.

I just have to make sure I clean my school towel before I hit the beach.