The Modern Man and Boring Sports Sorts

As a modern man, you believe sports were invented a few thousand years ago when the caveman walked with the dinosaurs. Sports were a great invention because they allowed men to interact and talk to each other in socially acceptable ways and stop whacking each other over the head with clubs. Can you imagine a conversation with a man now days without sports?

“How are you doing John?”
“Great! How about you?"
"Fine!"

Now three hours of uncomfortable silence as they watch the bugs fly by.

In fact, some believe sports was invented by women as an experiment to stop men from all the whacking that was going on (insert your joke here), but it was an experiment that went horribly wrong. It did prevent men from much of the violence they were doing to each other, but caused untold and unexpected emotional damage. After all, sports has caused huge amounts of damage to once loving relationships, torn apart family life, and emotionally scarred thousands of Detroit Lions fans.

Aren't sports great?

Sports are supposed to be entertaining, but I'm finding that in my old age, sports is getting more and more boring. So I've created my top 4 most boring experiences in sports as a warning to all. I'm not sure what the warning is, but I want to make sure that you're warned. I just don't know why.

1) The television time-out, injury time-outs, and time-outs in general.

If there is one aspect of sports that can kill an emotional high quicker than a meeting with your boss, it's the TV time-out. This has to be a reason I'm getting less interested in football and basketball and more interested in interacting with my family. Here's the actual play by play from an actual, fictional, game:

Football:
"Welcome back from the commercial break! Here's the kick off. (Five seconds of action). He's taken down at the 22. We'll be right back after these 30 commercials!"

Problem: Football has become:

kickoff-commercial-three and out, punt-commercial-injury-commercial.

Solution: Since football players need the money, we can still have commercials, but during the action by using a simple microphone.

Mike the QB: "Five! Thirty-two! Drink! Budweiser! Budweiser! King! Of! Beers! Hike!"

Mike the LB: "I'm going to rip out your AFLACing lungs, Jake Plummer!"

Basketball and time-outs:

"Whoa! You just missed it during the commercial break. What a great play! He jumped in the air and called time out! We'll be back in 20 minutes with the next five seconds of the game, when another exciting time-out will be called."


Solution: Seriously. How many time-outs do they get on top of scheduled time-outs? The last two minutes of any game takes at least 45 minutes!

New rule. Twenty second time-outs only, last five minutes. You get one.

Or at least make the breaks interesting:

"After this commercial break, we will have the results of Kobe Bryant's paternity test!"

Otherwise, I don't have time for this.

Hockey: one time out.
Soccer: None.

Part II: The Pitching change, coming soon....