The Modern Man and Boring Sports Sorts Part II

I know that you my loyal reader, hang on every word. I mean this literally, as someone hung (hanged just never seems correct to me) themselves after reading this this blog just the other week. So here is the link to PART I, just in case you missed it. You also might want to click here for a stunning example of free speech at our nation's capitol.

2) The Pitching Change

One of the reason's we were raised on AL baseball (which allowed us to hate the Yankees) is that there are fewer pitching changes. However, just last night, the Yankees changed their pitcher 3 times in 4 batter. Donald Trump doesn't change wives that often.

Now, the pitchers get warm-up time in the pen and then more pitches on the mound. There are about 10 minutes of commercials and I swear that they hire people to wake the crowd up from their warm-up induced beer stupor at the games.

The following is a completely true falsification of a conversation with my wife who came down to say high during a baseball game, but there was another pitching change:

Wife: What are you watching?
Me: I can't remember.
Wife: Can you clean the garage.
Me: Sure. I can't think of a reason why not.

How wrong is that? This is dangerous stuff I'm talking about man.


Solution: Let's go with softball on this. Three pitches for warm up and PLAY BALL! If you can do that, your team can drink on the field. We'll call this the David Well's rule.

3) The free throw

I know, you get excited when your team gets fouled, but it completely halts to flow of the game. It also gives them an excuse to do a TV time-out. Plus, they always do a close-up face shot of the guy shooting, and quite honestly, I don't need to see the sweat, zits, and phlegm on Chris Kaman in HD. Really, I don't.

Solution:

How about playing an ancient guessing game of skill and luck, using the cheerleaders and the dancers? We could call it:

"Thong, briefs, or nothing!"

The fouled guesses the correct underwear type of a random cheerleader/dancer pulled from the group, your team gets 2 points and the ball out. If you get it wrong, you just get the ball out. You could throw in guessing the color in the second half. Not only would it be more entertaining, but it would be a huge boost to the ratings.

4) Golf

John: "Bob, we're waiting for Sergio Garcia to hit the ball. We'll be back in five minutes."
Bob: "Thanks John! Tiger is lining up his put, we'll be back in ten minutes."
Jim: "Tigers last shot reminded me of a similar shot made by Johnny Miller in the 1972 Hooter's Invitational. However, that shot was interesting because the ball got lodged in the bellybutton of an overweight ex- gymnast and Johnny made his next shot standing on a lawn chair, while smoking a Camel, drinking a Crown Royal and dog-gone it, put it two feet from the hole. He popped that sucker right out of that enormously fat navel with a seven wood, I believe."
Bob: "Really Jim? That's amazing!"
Jim: "No Bob. I'm just so bored. So bored."

Solution: The Flake and on the Lake Invitational
Each golfer is given a set of clubs randomly put together from garage sales and Goodwill sets. There could be real wood-woods. There could be left handed clubs. There could be clubs so old that they are endorsed by golfers who are actually dead. Plus, they will be forced to use only balls that have been sold by a kid who found them in the lake.
Plus: Two hour time limit. Sorry, John Daly. running will be required.

Solution 2: NASCAR GOLF: Players must drink one beer at everyone other hole. Betting is mandatory. Smoking prefered. Swearing is required. Hey, John Daly needs a chance, too.

So there you go. Let's take the BORING out of sports! Or else, people will only Tivo sports from now on. With Tivo, I can watch an entire football game in one hour. However, that does mean I'm free to clean the garage. Hmm. I wonder if this Paint Ball World Championship is boring?

Oh my gosh, yes. I may have some ideas to help...