Music and the Modern Man: Cover Songs

Have you ever been in the car after a long, hard day at work and are trying to unwind as your favorite radio station plays some good tunes? But then, as you approach home, something plays on the radio that is so aweful, so unexpected, you are too stunned to even turn the station. It's worse than the time "Muscrat Love" and "I got you Babe" were played back to back. It's worse than hearing Meatloaf's "I'd do anything for love (but I won't do that)". It's worse than being forced to listen to the entire hit catalog of the Backstreet Boys and Justin TImberlake while getting root canal.

My God, it's worse than 'pop' country music.

I'm talking about the playing of a classic song by another, newer, more hip rock group. You know, you hear the first few notes and think, "I love this song!" Then it quickly comes apparent, it's not really THAT song at all. It's the same song, only different.

It plays through the car like the gentle sounds of a fully throttled Harley.

"Why?" I screamed. "Why?" I may have started sobbing, but I'm comfortable with that, being a modern man and all.

The song that was playing in my car at the time was the classic "Under Pressure", by Queen and David Bowie, which is probably considered one of the best collaborative songs of all time, if not in the top hundred best songs of all time anyway.

That of course is my opinion. If you disagree, you can go back and listen to your Clay Atkins CD.

The wailing I did in the car wasn't because the song "Under Pressure" was being played. The problem was it wasn't Queen/Bowie who were playing it. It was being played by a band called, "My Chemical Romance." I've never had anything against the band. In fact, I think I even liked one of their other songs, but now they've gone too far. There are certain things you can and cannot do in the music business.

Actually, from the things I've read about Led Zeppelin, groupies, and fish, it appears you can do just about anything you'd really like in the music business, but that doesn't excuse what M.C.R. did to me that day.

They ruined a classic and caused me to stain a perfectly good tie as I wiped my eyes of the tears.

So let's keep this simple. When it comes to ripping off another person's song by playing a 'cover' of it, you have to live by these rules.

1) You may play any song live in concert. I don't care if it's one of your own, a classic rock tune, or the famous, "The Pope Sings Liberace." Live you do what you want, when you want how you want.

2) If you really need to make a cover song because your producer thinks it will help your careers, pick an obscure, but cool song by a famous artist. How about "One of these Days" by Pink Floyd or "Murder by Numbers" by the Police? Come on! You're musicians. You're supposed to be creative!

3) If you plan on making a remake of a classic, you must:
a) Change it to the point of being almost completely different from the original.
Hendrix did this with "All Along the Watchtower" (original Dylan). It rocks!
Led Zeppelin did it with "In my Time of Dying" (original Dylan). It rocks!
Guns and Roses did it with "Live and Let Die." (Paul McCarthy) It wasn't horribly different, but they took it to a completely new level. Plus, It rocks!
Manfred Mann's Earth Band, , Blinded by the Light (original Springsteen) It rocks!
Vanilla Ice did it with "Under Pressure" (original Queen/Bowie). It sucks! But at least it didn't completly ruin the song for me (although it came close).

4) If you are planning on doing a cover of a classic, put it on an album, and then not change it enough to not ruin it for the rest of us the penalty should be one of these two things:

I. ALL GROUPIES SHALL BE TAKEN FROM YOUR PLACE, AND BROUGHT ROUND TO MY PLACE.
II. YOU MUST TOUR WITH YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND CHAINED TO YOU AT ALL TIMES.

I'm not sure how my wife will react to the first one, but it is a punishment befitting of the crime, although I'm sure she would ask me what the groupies did to deserve it.

5) If you really, really like the music of another band, become a cover band of that band. Then you will only be tempted to play these songs live. Some of these bands have even been fairly successful. "Sticky Fingers" (Rolling Stones) and "The Machine" (Pink Floyd) are a fun night out.

6) This is the most important one. Michael Bolton is not allowed to remake ANYTHING, ever.

So, Limp Bizkit, no more "Behind Blue Eyes." Sheryl Crow, I love your music, but not "Sweet Child o Mine." And good Lord, why the @#$#@ would Madonna even try to cover "American Pie."

So be careful. We'll be watching and listening for more of these bands making more horrible covers.

How else are we going to get groupies around here?

(Post a post if you've been horrified by a recent cover on the radio.)