Men, Women, Cars, and cardiac arrest, Part I

One of the problems of being a male in the modern age is that you are not only responsible for new things our fathers and grand fathers rarely had, such as changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, and separating whites and colors, but are also still responsible for all the old school stuff as well.

For instance, men are often forced to be the caretaker of the family car even if their only "hands-on" experience with one was in the back seat with a one time girlfriend during the big homecoming game.

Technically I'm not one of these men, and not only because I never was given the chance to show my mechanical ability in the back of a 1963 Ford Falcon. However, I was given the chance to show my mechanical ability under the hood (of the car! I know what you're thinking.) My father taught me how to change the oil, rotated the tires, change the alternator, work on the breaks, and save cars that should be in the dump by applying a coating of something called "bondo" to rusty cracks and gaps in the vehicle, some of which were large enough for Jerome Bettis to actually run through untouched.

Honestly, I think bondo is really only used because the fumes get you so high, you actually think you're doing the car some good as you apply it to a car which should really be given a proper funeral. I had a friend whose entire car appeared to be made of bondo, with nothing metal left on the outside other than the door handles. It looked pretty horrible, but if you felt bad about it, you only had to take a long sniff of the car and it instantly looked better. Who needs beer goggles when you have bondo?

But to get back on topic. At one time a man could fix a car with a hammer, duct tape, and a cold beer. Women would call you up to come over and check out their cars. You'd get a little greasy, but it would be worth it when they gave you a cocoa butter rubdown. Well, you'd at least get a hearty handshake and maybe a beer, but that was worth it because as a high school or college student, it made you feel like a man: A man who REALLY needed a cocoa butter rubdown, but a man none-the-less.

It was easy to keep track of the mechanical health of your car, but now that you're hooked up with a filly, it can almost be impossible to keep track of two. This is made more difficult by the typical woman's reluctance to even pop the hood. I swear this is karmic revenge for the thousands of years men pretended they didn't understand how to do laundry or how to iron a shirt. Thanks grandpa! Now I have to do laundry and fix the car! Would ironing your shirt once and a while have been so bad?

So even if you walk your significant other through the simple process of checking the oil, checking the air pressure, and checking the gauges in the car, they more than likely will smile and nod and say they get it. Then they'll ask you to do a load of laundry. Then a month later you'll notice that the tire has as has less air in it than a Joey Harrington pass.

Women know something you haven't accepted. They have will unabashedly threaten to take the vehicle to a mechanic and spend $150 to replace a $30 battery knowing that you'll do it for free.

You could try to explain she could do it on her own really easily, but you're too busy cooking dinner to do that.

It makes you angry, but in your mind, you're thinking, $120 savings would buy something really important. Like 15-18 six packs of good Colorado beer. Or five kegs of the cheap stuff. Or ten kegs of Genesee.

Women know you're thinking this. In fact, they're counting on it.

So it is time to face something.

It's your job whether you like it or not.

Don't get angry. Don't get flustered. Just smile and do what you have to do between diaper changings. It isn't going to change and there's nothing you can do or say about it that won't make your significant other introduce you to Mr. Couch (and I'm not talking about the quarterback) for a few nights.

However, this discrepancy between a man and woman’s willingness to maintain vehicles can have catastrophic economic, social, and emotional effects.

To a point, it can ruin a good month or two of quality "cuddle" time.

And more importantly, it may take away from your beer fund.

How do I know this? You'll see a real life example in the next post.