Everything I know I Learned from my Pets?, Part I

I don't know everything.

Let's face it, being a modern man leaves little time to learn all of life's lessons. We need help from experts to tell us that the way we live is totally wrong. We need live life better, we need guidance, and by golly if we purchase a best selling self-help guide by someone famous, we can be better people and better modern men. Who wouldn't buy a copy of Crouching Lineman, Shrinking Package by Bill Romanowski to help us keep off steroids? How about Rush Limbaugh's OxyContin, How to Remove Life's Pain in Three Easy Steps (Forge, Eat, Repeat).

However, these are fairly specific books for specific problems. We need more general help that will the rescue the rest of us from the aimlessness of our lives. I found some actual books that will help you become better people on Amazon.com. First, there was All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. This is impressive because it could completely revolutionize our education system. Think of how much in taxes we could save if we could just kick kids out of school when they're 6! I'd have to find a real job! Think of the excitement. Think of the legions of future Wal-mart employees!

I can appreciate Everything I Know I Learned in My Garden: Life's Lessons in My Own Backyard. I'm a little worried about the message of this book, though. What if you don't have green thumb? Is the lesson learned, "Everything I touch DIES?" Or maybe it's "Everyone Should Spread Their Seed Around." I'm not sure how the Catholic Church would like this, but it would make life pretty exciting. Maybe some NBA stars and Minnesota Vikings have read this book and when they scream "Who's Your Daddy Now?!" after a big play, they're being literal.

My favorite in this category is Everything I Know I Learned on Acid. I've got no comment on this book, except, will acid help me get published? Is that how you did it? I thought you weren't supposed to get high on your own supply?


Now I've decided to enlighten the masses with my own posting on this topic. I'm going to research my dog and my cat, and teach you everything you need to know in life via their example.

Why you ask? You, whether you're a modern man or not, need someone to tell you how to live life and I'm just the person for that. I want to help YOU be a better person through my dog and cat's views on life. More importantly, if someone picks up this feed somewhere, I may get a book deal and a huge advance. However, I think someone may have beaten me to the punch. (Everything I Know About Men I Learned From My Dog) and (http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Farm/7478/learndog.htm

That's okay. I'm willing to do it for science, and hopefully, a huge payday!