Your Top Five New Year's Resolutions

Seeing that my attempt at finding fame and fortune through a quaint, cuddly, self-help approach failed, I figured I'd have to try another tact (Click here for that fiasco.) In this case I'm focusing on how you, my loyal reader (and I mean that as a singular noun) can help make my life better through resolutions that will not only help you, but more importantly, help me enjoy life more. Taking my cue from President Bush, I am going to refuse to admit I've ever made a mistake and keep the course for this year. I have written these wonderful resolutions in the first person, using I, but of course I mean you.

Resolution 1: This year I resolve not to pay for anything in any store with a check.

Checks are sooooo 1980's and I don't want to wait behind you in line as you search for your checkbook after everything is bagged and set into your shopping cart.
This is an example of my last check writing experience at a store.

Woman: How much was that again?
Cashier: 120$
Woman: Let me get my check book. (fiddles around purse and and finds it stuck to used tissues.)
Me: (vein in head is starting to throb as the line behind is getting longer and longer)
Woman: Do you have a pen I can use?
Cashier: Sure.
Woman: (Writes the amount in her check register before starting to write the check.)
Me: (Screaming noises similar to those on Pink Floyd's Wall album are starting in my brain.)
Woman: Can I write for over the amount? (Line is now somewhere out to Nebraska, only less friendly. My head may be looking like when Agent Smith in the Matrix exploded, or maybe when those guys heads melted in Raiders of the Lost Ark.)
Cashier: Did you hear some strange screaming noise?
Me: (Brain explodes)

Plus, a man can only take so much "Musack", so get yourself a @#$# check card and help us all!

Resolution 2: I will resolve not to complain about my weight if I don't exercise.

Resolution 3: I will resolve to not allow my dog to bark in the backyard all day, all morning, or all night. In fact, if he is barking, I will let him in and allow the neighbors to avoid being forced to buy stock in Advil.

If I fail, I will allow my neighbors to wake me up whenever I decide to sleep and allow them to wake up any sleeping infants or toddlers I have to remind my of my evil ways.

Resolution 4: I resolve that after pulling out of the garage, the first thing I will do is drive, and not immediately dial someone on my cell phone.

Seriously, everyone in our neighborhood does this. Nobody waves to anyone in the neighborhood as they drive because they have one hand on the cell phone and the other hand on their drink. I'm more scared walking through my neighborhood because I'm afraid someone is going to drive right over me and not even notice. I enjoyed this highly visual example of this phenomenon.

Resolution 5a: I resolve never to use a hands free cell phone set in public and talk loudly on it.

This is starting to get frightening. I'm beginning to wonder if people are talking to me, at me, or to someone else. Maybe the person is actually crazy and really talking to their invisible friend, but just puts an earplug in to make it look like they're on the phone. The last time this happened a slightly disheveled woman was behind me in line and I hear very loudly:

"He's an idiot! I'm telling you an idiot!"

I look back to see if this is directed at me. I see the headphone thing stuck in her ear and nod while she continues to talk about her ex-husband in front of everyone at the local Safeway. Then the person looks pissed at me like I'm interrupting a private conversation. I look back like with my best "What's the problem look" and then she turns around and continues the conversation twice as loud as if turning her back to me is going to prevent me from hearing about how she's screwing him for child support.

Now I'm visualizing how the celery in my hands would look crammed down her throat. I'm not a violent person, but I think the fine for this should be this high tech device.

Resolution 5b: I will not use my cell phone in a theater, restaurant, or other public place without getting up and leaving the premises.

We went to a movie with friends once who got a call from their baby sitter and then proceeded to talk for 5 minutes without getting up and leaving for the lobby. Have you ever eaten with a bunch of friends and were having a perfectly good conversation, when someone up and answers their cell phone in the middle of it and instead of saying they'll call back, keeps talking for 10 minutes? It kind of kills the buzz, you know? How about the uncomfortable situation at work when in the middle of a meeting someone's cell phone rings and then everyone has to wait until they're done talking to continue whatever mind-killing thing that was going on at the meeting?

I'm not saying these people are evil, but that they should be prepared to eat their cell phone the next time they do this.


So, these are good New Year's resolutions that will help my life be a less stressful endeavor. Please follow them. You never know if I'm carrying a bunch of celery.