The Modern Man's Holiday Gift Giving Guide

It must have been easy in the old days for men buying gifts. This was especially true of the married man. In the old days, the gifts that were given were often indirectly gifts for the man himself. They were often items that were needed by the family. Buy a vacuum cleaner, get a clean house. Buy a sewing maching, get your clothes fixed. Buy a television, get good entertainment without the constraints, trappings, and effort of conversation. Buy lingerie . . . well maybe the good 'ol days weren't all that great after all.

However, in more modern times, women have surprising asked for things that they want, not necessarily things they need. This is a fine distinction that can be lost by the modern man. And when I say lost, I mean, "If you don't bring this gift back immediately, you will have lost the bed and found the couch for the next few weeks."

We have to keep our modern mind keen and sharp to listen for the sirens our wives or significant others have placed in our brains while we sleep. These sirens have also been placed by eons of evolution. They used to keep us from being eaten by saber toothed tigers, or if you're part of Focus on the Family, being eaten by carniverous dinosaurs. You've heard these sirens before, I only hope you reacted on time. Like when your wife asks if she looks fat in that outfit and you're about ready to answer one way or the other instead of creating some sort of diversion, like a household fire. Suddenly in the far back of your brain you hear the siren and instead of answering, you're grabbing the fire extinguisher and calling 911.

Another marriage saved by the modern brain.

This same sort of thing applies towards gift given to your feminine loved ones.

For example, I was walking through a very large wage-suppressing mega-store today and it was amazing what the 'old school' part of my brain kept saying as we wandered through the acres of merchandise until the distant warning sirens were heard by my 'modern mind.'

Old school mind: "Boy, that vacuum cleaner would sure help with the dog hair."
Modern mind: "Yes it would. (Checking it more closely and then hearing the sirens.) I mean, no. We can't buy that!"
Old school mind: "She really needs a new ice scraper for her car."
Modern mind: "That would be nice. (loud sirens) Wait! No it wouldn't!"
Old school mind: "It says here you can buy a years worth of oil changes up front! What a gift!"
Modern Mind: "That would be very practical. (huge sirens) But no."

As you see, by listening to these warning sirens, we can save ourselves a lot of trouble. This is gift season. You are not allowed to think in practical terms. Buy a diamond tennis bracelet (For the fashionable tennis player.) or some other piece of jewelery. Buy a car or some other fancy item. Quite honestly, the less practical it is, the happier you'll be in the new year. Heck, who cares how much it costs? Who needs a college fund anyway?

I may have some trouble, though. This was my last conversation with myself as I shopped:

Old school mind: "Here's a catalog. Victoria's secret is right down the road."
Modern mind: "Wait, I can't listen for the sirens while looking at this!"
Old School mind: "Come to the dark side, young Anakin."
Modern mind: "Well, it would be the gift that keeps on giving."