It must have been easy in the old days for men buying gifts. This was especially true of the married man. In the old days, the gifts that were given were often indirectly gifts for the man himself. They were often items that were needed by the family. Buy a vacuum cleaner, get a clean house. Buy a sewing maching, get your clothes fixed. Buy a television, get good entertainment without the constraints, trappings, and effort of conversation. Buy lingerie . . . well maybe the good 'ol days weren't all that great after all.
However, in more modern times, women have surprising asked for things that they want, not necessarily things they need. This is a fine distinction that can be lost by the modern man. And when I say lost, I mean, "If you don't bring this gift back immediately, you will have lost the bed and found the couch for the next few weeks."
We have to keep our modern mind keen and sharp to listen for the sirens our wives or significant others have placed in our brains while we sleep. These sirens have also been placed by eons of evolution. They used to keep us from being eaten by saber toothed tigers, or if you're part of Focus on the Family, being eaten by carniverous dinosaurs. You've heard these sirens before, I only hope you reacted on time. Like when your wife asks if she looks fat in that outfit and you're about ready to answer one way or the other instead of creating some sort of diversion, like a household fire. Suddenly in the far back of your brain you hear the siren and instead of answering, you're grabbing the fire extinguisher and calling 911.
Another marriage saved by the modern brain.
This same sort of thing applies towards gift given to your feminine loved ones.
For example, I was walking through a very large wage-suppressing mega-store today and it was amazing what the 'old school' part of my brain kept saying as we wandered through the acres of merchandise until the distant warning sirens were heard by my 'modern mind.'
Old school mind: "Boy, that vacuum cleaner would sure help with the dog hair."
Modern mind: "Yes it would. (Checking it more closely and then hearing the sirens.) I mean, no. We can't buy that!"
Old school mind: "She really needs a new ice scraper for her car."
Modern mind: "That would be nice. (loud sirens) Wait! No it wouldn't!"
Old school mind: "It says here you can buy a years worth of oil changes up front! What a gift!"
Modern Mind: "That would be very practical. (huge sirens) But no."
As you see, by listening to these warning sirens, we can save ourselves a lot of trouble. This is gift season. You are not allowed to think in practical terms. Buy a diamond tennis bracelet (For the fashionable tennis player.) or some other piece of jewelery. Buy a car or some other fancy item. Quite honestly, the less practical it is, the happier you'll be in the new year. Heck, who cares how much it costs? Who needs a college fund anyway?
I may have some trouble, though. This was my last conversation with myself as I shopped:
Old school mind: "Here's a catalog. Victoria's secret is right down the road."
Modern mind: "Wait, I can't listen for the sirens while looking at this!"
Old School mind: "Come to the dark side, young Anakin."
Modern mind: "Well, it would be the gift that keeps on giving."
Monday, November 21, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Are you a Modern Man?
Are you a modern man? Part I
Let's face it. Modern men are idiots, and that's okay. We're comfortable with this fact, although most of us try to hide it. We don't consider what we do idiotic anyway. We're just adopting, adapting, and improving. The real idiots are those whose names will be forever associated with the Darwin Awards. However, as a true modern man, we feel sympathy for some of these groundbreaking individuals and can honestly say that the lawnchair and the weather balloons was a pretty cool idea.
But for the rest of us here's a little "Modern Man Quiz." If you can answer yes to more than half of these questions, you are a true modern man. I must admit, I've done some of these things myself. I know that you're surprised. How could a person with my affable personality and razor sharp wit be involved in the idiotic things below?
I have to be honest, to my readers, I've done most of these things, but not all of them. When I say most, I mean I haven't done one or two of these things, but that doesn't mean that I'm giving up. Chances are, I'll knock all these things off my list before I'm dead. Possibly, one of these things could be the actual cause of my death.
Hey, you've got to go sometime.
QUIZ:
Have you ever told you significant other that you were almost killed by an idiot on a cell phone as you were driving? Have you told this while it was happening as you talked on your cell phone?
Have you ever glued something together, and while holding it until the glue sets, realized you glued your fingers to the object?
Have you ever gotten completely changed in the car while driving? In the car while driving and talking on a cell phone?
Have you ever not changed clothes before painting because you figure you'll be careful this time?
Have you ever leaned forward to paint a hard to reach place and suddenly noticed your hair is now stuck to the wall and is a lovely shade of yellow?
Have you ever driven home from work, pulled into the driveway, and seriously wondered if you ran every light on the way home because you don'’t remember any of your trip?
Have you ever parked your car in the middle of a parking lot, far from everyone else to safely change your clothes? Then have you had both your legs stuck in the same hole in your underwear as a car full of senior citizens decides that parking next to you would be a really good idea?
Have you ever tried to drive a car with your legs stuck in your underwear? Is your car a stick? Mine is.
Have you ever multi-tasked at work, and enjoyed the rewards of a job well done?
Have you ever tried to combine food, beer, hot tubs, and hot lovin' into one enjoyable experience? Have you ever been more disappointed in your life? (Have you ever had to get food out of a hot tub filter in the dark?)
Have you ever ordered more than one beer served in a container larger than your head? Have you ever complained to your significant other that you don't understand why you have a hangover since you only drank three beers?
Have you ever started a grill with something flammable, other than lighter fluid? Have you ever suddenly realized that gasoline doesn'’t really add to the flavor of grilled meat products?
Have you ever tested a Tazer, just to see if it works?
Have you ever used a steak knife to:
1) Cut rope?
2) Cut drywall?
3) Unscrew an electrical outlet?
4) Free an ingrown facial hair?
5) Splice electrical wire?
6) Pull stuck toast out of a plugged in toaster?
Have you ever just put that knife back in the dishwasher and hope for the best?
(This could be its own post: Uses for Steak Knives other than cutting steak)
Have you ever worked on your electric wiring and find out the hard way you didn't turn off the right breaker?
Have you ever done that twice in one day?
Have you ever been the lingerie holder at a Victoria's Secret fashion show?
Of course not, but that wouldn't be a bad way to go, would it?
These are just a few examples of the things we do as modern men. If you have more examples of the brilliance of a modern man, please post something.
Let's face it. Modern men are idiots, and that's okay. We're comfortable with this fact, although most of us try to hide it. We don't consider what we do idiotic anyway. We're just adopting, adapting, and improving. The real idiots are those whose names will be forever associated with the Darwin Awards. However, as a true modern man, we feel sympathy for some of these groundbreaking individuals and can honestly say that the lawnchair and the weather balloons was a pretty cool idea.
But for the rest of us here's a little "Modern Man Quiz." If you can answer yes to more than half of these questions, you are a true modern man. I must admit, I've done some of these things myself. I know that you're surprised. How could a person with my affable personality and razor sharp wit be involved in the idiotic things below?
I have to be honest, to my readers, I've done most of these things, but not all of them. When I say most, I mean I haven't done one or two of these things, but that doesn't mean that I'm giving up. Chances are, I'll knock all these things off my list before I'm dead. Possibly, one of these things could be the actual cause of my death.
Hey, you've got to go sometime.
QUIZ:
Have you ever told you significant other that you were almost killed by an idiot on a cell phone as you were driving? Have you told this while it was happening as you talked on your cell phone?
Have you ever glued something together, and while holding it until the glue sets, realized you glued your fingers to the object?
Have you ever gotten completely changed in the car while driving? In the car while driving and talking on a cell phone?
Have you ever not changed clothes before painting because you figure you'll be careful this time?
Have you ever leaned forward to paint a hard to reach place and suddenly noticed your hair is now stuck to the wall and is a lovely shade of yellow?
Have you ever driven home from work, pulled into the driveway, and seriously wondered if you ran every light on the way home because you don'’t remember any of your trip?
Have you ever parked your car in the middle of a parking lot, far from everyone else to safely change your clothes? Then have you had both your legs stuck in the same hole in your underwear as a car full of senior citizens decides that parking next to you would be a really good idea?
Have you ever tried to drive a car with your legs stuck in your underwear? Is your car a stick? Mine is.
Have you ever multi-tasked at work, and enjoyed the rewards of a job well done?
Have you ever tried to combine food, beer, hot tubs, and hot lovin' into one enjoyable experience? Have you ever been more disappointed in your life? (Have you ever had to get food out of a hot tub filter in the dark?)
Have you ever ordered more than one beer served in a container larger than your head? Have you ever complained to your significant other that you don't understand why you have a hangover since you only drank three beers?
Have you ever started a grill with something flammable, other than lighter fluid? Have you ever suddenly realized that gasoline doesn'’t really add to the flavor of grilled meat products?
Have you ever tested a Tazer, just to see if it works?
Have you ever used a steak knife to:
1) Cut rope?
2) Cut drywall?
3) Unscrew an electrical outlet?
4) Free an ingrown facial hair?
5) Splice electrical wire?
6) Pull stuck toast out of a plugged in toaster?
Have you ever just put that knife back in the dishwasher and hope for the best?
(This could be its own post: Uses for Steak Knives other than cutting steak)
Have you ever worked on your electric wiring and find out the hard way you didn't turn off the right breaker?
Have you ever done that twice in one day?
Have you ever been the lingerie holder at a Victoria's Secret fashion show?
Of course not, but that wouldn't be a bad way to go, would it?
These are just a few examples of the things we do as modern men. If you have more examples of the brilliance of a modern man, please post something.
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