The Cell Phone Temptress and the Modern Man

"Can you hear me now? Buy a new phone." Easy to ignore. Now imagine that being said, by, let's say, this woman.

Can you hear me now? Oh baby, I can.

Oh, the cell phone temptress vixen, you're so hard to ignore.

My 3 year old cell phone started falling apart like a 40 something year old ex-runner the other day and I knew I was in trouble. I tried to put it back together, tried to reconcile. But after a while, I could see I was the only one trying in this relationship, and, well, it was time to move on.

Believe me, honey, it's not me, it's you.

But breaking up is hard to do. Because the next in line might be even worse.

Getting a new cell phone is like getting married, only more stressful. You'll be co-habitating with this phone for a forced 2 year commitment, so you better pick well and hope the technology gods grant you a trouble free relationship. Because if you ain't happy, you ain't gonna be happy for another 2 years and believe me, your phone ain't putting out any time soon. And God forbid, you let her slip through your fingers every now and then, if you break her you'll be heart broken as well.

And just like women tend to forget the problems encountered with their pregnancy and subsequent birthing when they wake you up at 2 AM and tell you they want another baby, we have the same forgetfulness with our technological babies. It's like dating the girl you were warned about being crazy, or dating the bad boy because you, of all people, can change him. It's just a a disaster waiting to happen. So heed my warning and avoid the inevitable. If you can't at least be aware of your cell phone relationship stages:

1) The siren call: Cell phones, like all technology, tend to enter our lives like a whirlwind romance. The excitement of a new relationship, everything shiny and new, and the enjoyment of learning everything new about your new partner. Of course, this new partner will do tons of things your old partner wouldn't do and she's a good looking piece of technology. You're knees get shaky when you see her and you can't wait to get your hands on her. You love that she has a blue tooth and like the feel of her in your hands. However, you're trophy relationship comes with a higher cost plan, and wants to make you pay for activating her, and has spotty coverage on top of that. But you look beyond that. It's love, after all.

Heady days they are.

You're all set to drop your old phone like a prom dress, but wait, heed my call. Let's look at stage 2.

2) Familiarity. You're still excited, but that's waning. She really doesn't do all those things she said she'd do until you support her Ma and sign a pre-nup that you know deep down inside will cost you more than the phone is worth. However, she's pretty to look and and you're friends think she's cool. You're old relationship only makes calls and is a pain to text without the seductive qwerty keyboard, plus she's starting to look a little old.

Must be time to move on. But wait! Check out 3.

3) Contempt: All those things you thought you'd do with this new vixen don't come to fruition, as you're just making calls and sending the occational text but paying through the nose to keep he by your side. Everyone in the commercials looks so happy, but all you do is talk to people at work which does the opposite, and none of them are in your inner circle, so you're using minutes faster than Usain Bolt. You friends keep sending her messages, but she makes you pay for them, plus you're paying for messages you want to send them. Her Ma keeps sending you messages trying to get you to pay for more stuff, which you feel you should to keep your relationship going. But it's all a fools game as you're money is gone and the results are less than impressive.

4) The break up. You're relationship is old. You've been through a lot together, but it's not enough. Those things that seemed so cool before, just don't work anymore. Plus she's completely let herself go, and you're faced with a roll of duct tape and a functioning phone or trying to hide her from your friends and family and slink off to use her. Buttons are missing and it's not because of some hot get together.

You longingly look at what else is out there, but wait, you haven't reached your two years. So you're forced to live by your pre-nup and stick it out, if only for the kids. You don't want to pay through the nose for a new phone and not have any cash left for the college fund. And even if you have reached you're 2 years, do you want to go through this amount of pain again? Maybe, God forbid, a landline might be all you really need.


As with all good prognosticators, I haven't heeded my own advice. I've broken like a political promise and had to let my old phone go. She'd fall apart every time we'd try to converse. It was too much and I had to move on.

She works great, is good looking, and does everything I need. But my old phone still sits on the counter, waiting to be let go for good.

It's hard not to feel guilty as I look down upon my old flame, but I need to make another call and I don't like to keep her waiting.

I wonder who really controls the buttons around here?

The Modern Man VS. Walletzilla

Sometimes a man is faced with obstacles so huge, so large, so ominous, and so life threatening, that he must rise above the mediocre and face the challenge head on, regardless of fear and heedless of the very threat to his own life. As Rocky faced Apollo Creed, as King Kong faced Godzilla, Indiana Jones faced the Nazis, and as the Sisters faced the evil Traveling Pants, I must face my own demon. As I bravely stare it down, I wonder what horrible plans it has for me. Will it cause back pain? Will it rip out more pockets? Will it pull me under the cold, black, swirling water to a certain death if I fall in the next time I go fly fishing?

Oh wallet, why, why, why??? Why hast thou forsaken me?

Now I have a Solomon like task at hand. I must met out a tough and possibly contentious decision upon an object that I need to get through life with. But how does one met out justice upon a wallet that is growing more and more dangerous every day? It started off with a few pictures, some money, and a banking card. Now it is about the size of Rhode Island, only less comfortable to sit on.

Now let's not get fooled into thinking that this wallet is full of money. Quite honestly there isn't enough room in it for a few dollar bills, let alone a stack of fifties. My wallet used to be fairly thin, but not it's growing like the national deficit. The issue is my wallet is being taken over by an assortment of plastic cards foisted upon me from every angle that I feel I can't get rid of because if you don't carry them at all times, you never have them when you need them. First, my wallet just had my credit and banking card, then it was infiltrated by a King Soopers card, then a Safeway card. Let's look and see what else is in here. There is a Qdoba card (burritos the size of a brick), Ace Hardware Card (motto "We only charge twice as much as Home Depot!"), Rocky Mountain National Park Card, two insurance cards, a drivers licence (Motto: We make Sears Photography look good!), Big City Burrito punch card, Local Nursery Discount Card, three business cards that I can't remember ever taking, two library cards, Sam's Club card, my electronic card to get into work (Motto: Schools are always open, so why bother?), a fairly new flex plan credit card, and punch cards for coffee, burritos, and cheap pseudo-Mexican food.

Plus, of course, I have some pictures of family I can foist upon unsuspecting people, as well as the bonus picture of all time: My prom picture. Sure, that would save me 1 millimeter of space if I got rid of the evidence of the most ridiculous high school extravaganza since homecoming, but you'd be surprised how you can liven up boring conversations by plopping your prom picture from 1989 down in front of a group of people. It's entertainment in itself, plus, you'd love my mullet and black and white tuxedo with the beautiful purple cumber-bun.

I'm surprised nobody has a band named The Cumberbun yet.

My wallet has been responsible for destroying every pair of dockers I have ever owned. They get a lovely worn patch in the back pocket, and then get a hole right through the two layers of fabric. Seriously, my wallet wears my pants down faster than the Snake River is wearing down the Grand Canyon.

Since I've learned wallets are bad for the back, I've moved it into my front pocket, which quite honestly, isn't much better. When I'm sitting, my wallet looks like the largest, squarest hive in the world trying to find freedom by burrowing itself through my pants. I don't even know if I can fit my cell phone in the same pocket without being arrested for indecency here at work.

My wallet, is literally, a foot thick and probably weights as much as a small dog. It should probably be registered with as a deadly weapon as I think with the proper throw, I could hurt someone pretty badly. So, what do I get rid of? If I leave any of the cards out, I won't have them when I need them. If I get rid of the pictures, what kind of husband am I? And leaving the cards our for when I would need them is kind of like my cloth bags for the supermarket. I always leave in the back seat of my car and finally realize that when the cashier asks if I want paper or plastic.

But, why don't you just chuck it all? Why put up with being tied down by discount cards from "the man".

Seriously? I'm cheap! Do you know how upset do I get when I don't get the 15 cents off on the candy bar when I don't have the proper card?

So I'm pleading for someone to invent the ONE CARD. A card you can transfer the magical powers of all my other discount cards into one, easily handled, and more easily lost card. Think of the health benefits, the safety factors, and the generally handiness of such card. In fact, I'm looking for investors right now for this venture.

Only you'll have to come to me, I don't think I can get up with this wallet in my pocket.