Hot Talk and the Modern Man

The biggest fashion in teaching now is for curriculum makers and textbook writers (these people must be a fun lot, but that's for another post) to write a script that you, the teacher, are supposed to read from and not deviate in any way if you want to 'maximize teachability.' (Or some other made-up word your principal fell for after his three margarita lunch at a conference.) This prevents the teacher from actually getting involved in any discussions that may lead to controversy, such discussions on science, reading, or history.

However, these scripts assume your students will answer the questions like the writer of the script intended and also assume that they'll actually care about what you're supposed to be teaching them.

So for instance, if the script says to ask, "How does this make you feel?" and one kid blurts out "horny" when the book provided answer was supposed to be "Sad and lonely", it can really throw the class for a loop. A less talented teacher might decide it was time to do an easier, less stressful job, like say, being an air traffic controller.

This is from an actual script in an anti-bullying class I have to teach. (Remember, you're not allowed to bully in school, but you are expected and praised if you do as an an adult, as in here, here, or here.) The bold is what the teacher is supposed to say. Remember, not to deviate, or you could lose your job.

-What was Janelle's "hot talk". (Book Answer: I can't believe it! She stole my jacket!)

KID'S ANSWER: Isn't that something on those 900 number advertisements on television?

Of course yelling at the student could get you arrested, giving them detention will bring the wrath of the parents, and notifiying the principal means you don't have good classroom management, so being a good teacher, you press on. . .

TITLE: The Fire Within (Now as a teacher, you're not supposed to laugh at these things, even if it sounds like a made for Cinemax movie.)
Think of seeing the jacket as a match that lights a fire. The fire is fueled and burns hotter when Janelle "hot talks" to herself (KID: I thought you were supposed to talk hot to your girlfriend). You ignore and continue . . .As the fire burns, Janelle has bodily sensations . . . (class is now laughing uncontrollably and you, being the professional you are and against all odds, skip the rest of the lesson and head to the nearest bar. You can't even get to the part about her anger being misguided, since her friend had bought the same exact jacket.))

No, actually you finish the rest of the lesson bravely and professionally, only to find the term HOT TALK is being used comically in the hallway for the rest of the week.

Fires burning? Hot talk? Bodily Sensations? Just what our hyper-hormonal students need! Luckily, I'm a mature adult, and can't be affected by such talk. Now excuse me, I have to see if my phone allows 900 calls.

(DISCLAIMER: The script was real, the answers expected, real, the kids' answers were hypothetical and so was the principal (who is a mix of the many I've had), just in case mine is reading this as we speak.)

Ask Mr. Teacher Man!

Today is an exciting day, as Tales of a Modern Man presents, "Ask Mr. Teacher Man!" Seeing that today's teacher is technically supposed to be the repository of human knowledge since the beginning of history, it seems unfair that once you graduate, you no longer have access to this incredible well of wisdom. So I've taken real questions from actual, breathing, fictitious people, and will share my wealth of information with you, my one and only reader. Why Mr. Teacher Man? Mostly, because that is what many of my Spanish only speaking students would call me (or Mr. Profesor Man).

Dear Mr. Teacher Man: What is a Huguenot?

The Huguenot is an important knot for sailing. In fact, Christopher Columbus, who led the Pilgrims to the new world, states that the improved technology for the knots in sailing (way back in 1776) led to his discovery of Hudson Bay. Rumor has it his favorites were the sailor's knot, the double bowline knot, and the Hugoknot, which allowed him to keep a mutiny starting Hugo Franchelli tied to the mast and prevented the sailors from turning the boat around and heading back to Columbus's district, which has now been renamed, The District of Columbia.

Dear Mr. Teacher Man: I'm a high school student and wondered if I can find a college where I can improve my video game skills?

I would say your best bet is the presigious Com Mu Nity College. They have a great dorm area called "Mom's Basement." From what I hear, HALO skills, which sound vaguely angelic, transfer well to religious schools everywhere.


Dear Mr. Teacher Man: One day at happy hour, my wife and I made a celebrity list of people who we'd be allowed to sleep with if we met them. Well, I've met one of the people on my list and Jennifer is all over me like a duck on a junebug. What is the proper course of action here?

America's Declaration stated that as American's we wanted to have "Life, Liberty, and the Persuit of Happiness." Your wife gave you the liberty to pursue this happiness. However, I would probably bet if you follow through on this situation, it might force her to end your life.

However, if it's one of the three Jennifers I'm thinking of right now, there would be only one real question to answer:

Would it be worth it?

Hope this helps. Mr Teacher Man, signing off.

Law and Order: Modern Victim's Unit

My wife is addicted to Law and Order. I'm not sure whether this is because it is a good show, or because it has taken its place above WINGS as the show that is on television any time you turn the television on. Does being popular make it good? Budweiser is drunk by close to 50% of our nation, but it doesn't make it a good beer? Bush was elected by over 50% of the population, no, wait, yes, he was the second time. Does that make him a good president? Pamela Anderson has been "seen" by a majority of Americans. Does that make her a good girl?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I hope not.

Oops. Did I type that out loud?

I have to admit, I occasionally watch the show, so here it is. Me being the LAW and finding something that should be illegal in our society, but then me being the ORDER as well, wreaking havoc with my fair, but probably pretty outlandish sentences for the guilty's transgressions.

Of course, this is only my opinion.

Please take a second to post what you think the appropriate punishment should be.

So I'll occasionally post these things as they happen to see what type of judge you are.

LAW: Loud Motorcycles, Usually Harley Davidson

The other day my wife and I were getting passed by a group, or possibly violent gang, of leather clad, boomer aged, men and women riding Harley Davidson’s. As I shouted unsuccessfully to my wife over the space shuttle-like roar of their engines, I noticed something that may have actually caused a small part of my brain to crawl out of my head and jump out of the car as it realized there really wasn't any reason to go on anymore.

Why was this?

Every person riding was wearing earplugs.

ORDER:

SOOOOO. IF something you own is too loud for you to handle the old fashion way, I sentence you to...

Sentence 1: Thou shall be forced to ride your Harley naked for 24 straight hours, in 100 degree weather, wearing nothing but a steel World War II style helmet.

Sentence 2: Thou shall be forced to listen to the extended version of Steppenwolf's "BORN TO BE WILD" turned up to ELEVEN on repeat, with headphones, until my hearing recovers from the last time a group of Harley riders passed my vehicle, or until your ears bleed, whichever comes first.

The doctor says my recovery could take years.

The Modern Boy and the Public School Restroom Part II

I have to say that the comments I got about the last post were very good, although I had one relative tell me the ladies room was just as bad. Hey, I just always thought they looked something like this, but with perfume dispensers and lockable stalls.

The public school restroom, though, is a totally different situation. I can totally understand Finch's phobia and total avoidance of using the high school's bathroom in American Pie. He was just rightfully concerned about the cleanliness of a room which is on the final "get to if necessary" checklist of the school janitor.

For myself, and many other modern men, cleanliness wasn't the major problem with the school bathroom Although I don't remember soap every being provided in any of my school bathrooms. That may be because some idiot ripped the dispensers off the wall, or it was considered an expendible budget item after years of educational cutbacks.

The real issue of the public school bathroom wasnt' that your friend Mark always tried to hit the urinal from ten paces (and I don't mean "Hit" as in striking with a blow). It wasn't that the high school bathroom was actually full of long haired kids who were really smoking in the boys room. It wasn't even that you began to wonder where the bathroom pass you were carrying might have been placed by the hundreds of students before you who had carried before you. After all, it always seemed to be a little moist. It wasn't the off chance one of the school bullies would show up at the same time you did and attempt to see if you could be flushed down the toilet. No, it wasn't even the urinal 'cake' that someone creative had placed in the only working sink.

It was the stalls, or let's say, lack there of. At my high school, most of the bathrooms had no doors on the stalls. The urinals were of course, on the far side of the stalls, so you usually ended up getting the uncomfortable "How you doin' " as the next ten people walked through the door and tried not to make eye contact as they passed by. How do you answer that question with your pants around your ankles? Is there any dignified way? On the positive side, at least there was good reading material on the walls.

The locker room was worse. It was the most pristine bathroom I had ever seen. Clean floors, sparkling white toilets, and not a stall or wall to be found. Plus, there was no door entering the room, so if you had to "do the 2" you knew that the entire football team would be walking by on the way to or from their lockers. When they wave, was I supposed to wave back? Is this supposed to help in bonding? Who planned this? I'm begging somebody to tell me. Do I need serious counseling? Good Lord, am I sweating as I even recall this?

Thank God the modern man can drink beer.

My wife seemed to think that I was adding a little truthiness to my stories to gain sympathy for my childhood. Then one day, we were in a middle school for a conference when it happened. I walked into the boys bathroom, fully confident that bathroom technology has changed so much in the past 20 years there would be no worries. I walked to the only stall in the room and may have screamed like a girl.

There was no door on the stall.

Needless to say, after pulling my wife into the bathroom to show her proof of my previous rantings she finally acquiesced and agrees I'm not crazy.

Although I may have heard her mumble the word "truthiness" after she told me that.

The Modern Man and the Public Restroom Part 1

Every now and then something so important needs to be discussed, that uncomfortable and embarassing subject matter must be talked about frankly, scientifically, and professionally (Like your middle school sex-ed classes!).

This is not one of those times.

Recently, as I walked about a local shopping establishment, my body began to cry out that the diet Mountain Dew I had imbibed earlier wanted to return to the mountains immediately. I won't discuss the Power Bar.

I had a tough decision to make.

Do I ignore the call of nature, which at this point was starting to become more of a scream than a gentle cry, and hope I make it home before serious internal damage is done?

Or do I simply use the public restroom with the ubiquitous MEN'S sign and save myself possible future surgery in an area not meant for surgery at all? (Although I thought this sign was more appropriate) I mean, how bad can it be?

It sounds like an easy choice, especially if you happen to be one of the two ladies that actually read this column.

But it really isn't. It can be a choice that can redefine your mood, health, and belief in the overall goodness of the human race.

I of course, am talking about the life-altering experience of entering a public men's' room.

If a woman ever wants to be elected president, all she has to do is show a picture of a typically knarly men's public restroom and she'd be a lock. How can men run a country when they can't even keep a bathroom clean?

The amazing thing is how little women know about the men's' room. It's kind of like Elaine's surprise during Seinfield's "Shrinkage" show, but with slipperly floors. It's like the "I don't have a square to spare," show except with see-through toilet paper, a possible ax-murderer in the stall next to you, and graffiti that would make Eminem blush.

There seem to be three different types of men's public bathrooms to fear. These would be the basic store restroom (including gas stations and rest areas), the sporting event restroom, the public school restroom, and the port-o-potty. Four, four types of restrooms. (That's for Monty Python fans.)

Now I'm just talking about the public "store" restroom. As soon as you enter, you can feel the despair. That is, if the forbidding smell doesn't kill you outright. Dozens of normal modern men have entered before you only to find 1 of the 4 stalls empty, and I'm not talking about empty being "free of another human being." The one "clean" stall has a toilet seat with dubious backsplash marks on it since men can only leave the toilet seat up in their own homes.

As an aside, if you're a man and don't know about backsplash, use a typical urinal while wearing shorts.

If you're lucky, the stall door will actually function and maybe even lock, but more than likely you'll probably have to deal with that hole where the lock used to be which a ten year old always looks through to see if anyone is in the stall. Of course, the stall has no toilet seat protectors available, which is okay since you wonder how something manufactured out of paper that could be thinner than a row of molecules could actually protect you from anything. Seriously, if the manufacturers of public rest room toilet paper and seat protectors got together with scientists, we'd finally be able to miniaturize all those things like in the science fiction movies.

"Hey look John! A microscopic submarine! How did they do it?"
"Well, Biff, it's all due to our friends in the toilet paper industry!"

Now you notice that there is a liquid on the floor that could be from the janitor, it could be from condensation on the toilets, or, it could be something else. Whatever it is, it is now coating the bottom of your shoe. You try to hang your coat, but there's no hook. The urinals haven't been flushed in what appears to be days and you seem to be getting dizzy from that strange breathing shallowly out of the mouth thing you do whenever you enter a public restroom. Plus, you're doing that strange "hold the door closed with one foot thing" because the lock was broken and a man muttering Bible quotes has entered the facility.

"Pop quiz hot shot!" "What do you do? What do you do?" (Click here for the movie quote that came from)
a) Do the levitating toilet bit. (If you're a guy, you know what I'm talking about, although it's tough if your doing the hold the door closed thing.)
b) Try to expose your skin to as little of the seat as possible.
c) Just do what you do. If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.
d) Run outside screaming and hope for the best.
e) Use the women's room. They're always clean.

Seriously, who are these guys? Who does this to a place that at home you probably spend most of your quality time in? Does this same phenomenon happen on the space station? Is this a reason to lose faith in mankind?

Whatever it is, I think maybe we just need one of these to make the world a better place.