The Mullet and the Modern Man

The mullet. The mere word brings out painful feelings in everyone. It is a hairstyle that makes you pick one of two camps on your feelings about it. You either:
1) Find it repugnant
2) Find it repulsive

There is no gray area with a mullet. After all it's all business in front and all party in back. I'm not one to hide from my past. Yes, I once sported a well coiffed mini-mullet as a rebellious 20 something back in the late 80's and 90's. Yes, the front looked like Opie's, but the back, the glorious back was long like a mane. In fact, I once challenged myself to grow it long enough to so that I could chew on it.

Yes, one must have goals in this lifetime and I set mine pretty high.

I made my goal and instantly found out that chewing on hair was pretty gross. But hey, I looked cool and if that was the price I had to pay, so be it.

When looking at old pictures of myself I do realize that fashions disappear for a reason. Mullets just don't look good unless you are:
1) Playing hockey or soccer.(Click here or here for some excellent examples)
2) Playing rock and roll in a kick *ss band.

Ah, and it looked cool during my running career as it (sort of) flowed behind me in the wind.

For those of you too young to remember, imagine a time of neon shirts, scruffy facial hair, and large, flip up sunglasses.

Gosh darn it, I do miss it so.

Now, those of you in New Jersey probably don't understand the gradual loss of the mullet in American fashion. This is due to the fact that it is still in style there. For that, the world mourns.

However, I did see something the other day that could honestly have serious repercussions on the world that we know. It could be a sign of the apocalypse, or, in a worse case scenario, the start of a new fashion.

I was in an ACE hardware (motto: half the stuff, twice the price) (Motto 2: we're no LOWES) minding my own business, when a man walked out of the aisle wearing fading red camouflage pants. Now, under no circumstances are you allowed to wear camouflage ANYTHING once you turn 18 (unless you're in the army). However, my eyes quickly went up, past the red 'wife beater' (which in itself was hard to ignore) and to his head.

Ahh, his glorious head. There, on top of his noggin, was a mullet that quite honestly, could have been placed in the mullet hall of fame. I wish I had a camera because it is impossible to describe, but yet, I'll try:

Twas brown in color, with a bushy, round, bowl-like look on top. It was sort of like a hedgehog's spikes on top in form, yet not actually spiked with any sort of gel at all. Then, dangling down to near the mid-point of the back were a morass of not quite washed today and possibly not yesterday hair. It was flowing exactly not quite like that of a model or rock star who is standing next to the modeling fan at a photo shoot. No, its movement twas more of a gentle rocking back and forth motion due to the oily build up. I watched as he passed, unable to keep my eyes from its majesty. For one moment I did glance away to check my watch. Yes, it was still 2007. No, I had not been transported back in time. I sighed, slightly depressed in the knowledge when something so mind-bogglingly amazing happened, I thought that I might have passed out and woken up in Hoboken.

Trailing behind this gentleman was a child of not more than seven or eight earth years. He too was dressed in camouflage pants and more importantly, had the exact same mullet. I believe the two of these gentlemen could have exchanged hair, and no one would have been the wiser. And like Dr. Evil had Mini-me, Mr. Camo-mullet man had his mini-mullet man.

As they passed and left the store, I was perplexed. Was this child abuse? Should I call social services? Hasn't anyone pointed out the modern mullet was like GW Bush; something that was a bad idea in the first place and probably never should have happened?

But the more I thought, the more I realized something about a man who is stared at in stores across this county.

Nay, this man is not a pariah. This man is a trend-setter. The mullet is gone. Lost in the dustbin of history it ponders a time when MTV actually played music, but he alone in our town is taking the mullet back. His independent spirit is made of exactly what made America great. He should not not be ridiculed, nay, he should be embraced by our community. And once our souls are cleansed of our prejudices and his body is cleansed of the last weeks grime, we should tell our barbers we want it cut short on the front, but boldly shout, "Leave the back alone!" Like hands across America, we will unite this country, mullet to mullet bringing peace and love to those around us.

Now if I can only find my hair.