The Modern Man Sells Out!

It's hard to see your famous people sell out. I mean, The Who sold out to Humvee and others, Bush sold out to big oil, Steppenwolf sold out to another car company, and Jerry Fallwell sold out a long time ago, possibly to Satan himself.

I'm not quite willing to go as far as Jerry, but a little extra cash couldn't hurt. Which means I have to make this blog incredibly popular, get syndicated, and then rehash my old material over and over again, like Dave Barry or Bill Simmons, only with much less talent.

The problem is, my average weekly visits were occasionally in the negative numbers, which means more people are trying to avoid my blog then read it.

Oh, the horror.

However, something miraculous happened after my post, Law and Order: Modern Victims Unit. My site visits went through the roof. I mean, I was getting more hits than Jennifer Aniston at a singles' bar. Usually, my site meter sleeps most of the time, only to be interrupted by an occasional visit from a relative, a friend, or someone I made look at my site in the computer lab at school as I gazed over their shoulder saying, "Isn't that funny? Isn't that funny? Where are you going?"

But now I'm averaging almost 81 visits a day. So I had to find out why. So like Dr. Quincy or CSI, I went searching for the truth, without all that murder getting in the way.

So I examined the reason that people would visit my blog. Was it my scintilating prose touching the hearts of modern men everywhere? I'm pretty sure that can't be the case, since I'm not quite sure what that sentence even means. Was it my funny, whistful, and insightful slice of life reports from an Everyman type connecting emotionally with the masses? Seeing that I spelled wistful incorrectly, I'm pretty sure that can't be it either. Maybe it's the free homebrew I give to people I know who have at least pretended to read it. That might explain some of the hits, but I don't know 81 people.

The answer, it turns out, actually has something to do with a word that rhymes with hex. It's all due to one link to Pamela Anderson that I whimsically placed in one of my blogs. I'm now getting hits from people searching for that picture from all over the world. I've had hits from Chile, Singapore, New Zealand, and for some reason, The White House. The last one, however, may be due to my current bumper sticker, and not the cleavage of a woman who, God bless her, is single handedly trying to resurrect the lives of B level rock and roll men everywhere.

So now I've learned what M.B.A.'s, MTV video directors, and advertising executives all over the world know. Sex sells. Add a few links to good looking semi-stars, and you've got yourself an audience.

So today, I'm selling out, but like all semi-cool sell outs, I want to appear to do it without selling out at all. How to sell out is the biggest question? WWFCSD? (What would former child stars do?) The obvious is getting on television, yet my IQ prevents me from qualifying for a reality show. I'll have to find another, more sneaky way, so I'll try my best to not not sell out.

So, you won't not find any links to Angela Jolie , Elisha Cuthbert, or Number 6 (Tricia Helfer) here. You won't probably not find Salma Hayak or Lindsey Lohan either. You ladies definately won't not see Mathew Mccohohy, Mcconohy, I mean McConaughey, Johnny Depp, or George Clooney if I can possibly not help it.

Let's face it, I'm way to not cool and to moralistic to ever become one with "the man." I'll never truly sell out. You have to have talent to do that. But after looking in the old wallet, it can't hurt to try.