Taking the Dive

Make no mistake: I'm a soccer fan. This is especially true during World Cup time. Quite honestly, half the fun of being a soccer fan is seeing the glazed over expression your male friends get as you discuss the beauty of a particular set play or bemoan the ref in the USA vs. italy match. However, you press on because these are the same looks your received your whole life as you discussed AD&D in high school (if you don't know, don't ask), Monty Python, Terry Gilliam films, the Bush administration, home brewing, and the Tour de France (before this year's controversy).

Hey, I say press on. If you have to listen to discussions about golf or this years NBA draft, they should have to reciprocate the favor. Preferably while being forced to drink your home brew while watching BRAZIL or The FISHER KING.

But things are getting a little out of hand in the futbol world. There are too many penalties and way, way, too much diving. I mean, I haven't seen this much diving since before Greg Louganis retired. I haven't seen this much flopping since my cross country team did the amazingly illegal Great Naked Winter Night Run of 1988. (Although there would have been more flopping if the weather had been a wee bit warmer.)

To make matters worse, the flopping seems to come from countries that drive many in the US crazy for their silly parlimentary procedure, their attractive and slim women, and their distain for fried food; such as Italy, Spain, France, and Portugal. Ironically, three of these teams made the final four, which shows how @#$#ed up this flopping is becoming.

So to fix this, I've got an idea. First, if a team has more than 10 penalties in a half, someone has to sit out for 2 minutes, like in hockey. Next, if you're dragged off on a stretcher, you're also out for 5 minutes, unless the coach wants to sub for you. Third, if you dive, you're also out for 5 minutes. No more red or yellow cards. Have the guts to make it hurt the offending team on the field. Plus, it would help the "beautiful game" get back to beauty instead of free kicks every thirty seconds. Now add in instant replay on penalty kick calls and you've got an exciting 90 minutes of sport. However, this makes way too much sense, so let's add a little drama to spice it up a little.

If you flop or are taken off the field in a stretcher, you're place in a penalty cage with an enforcer that is picked by the other team. Let's say a retired Mike Tyson, a desperate for cash OJ Simpson, or that crazy ex-soccer player that was in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. If you can get past him before your five minutes, you can rejoin the pitch. Think of the ratings as Figo, C. Ronaldo, or Henry are getting pummeled for real behind the goal instead of prancing about the field seconds after appearing to need a trip the ER. Think of the goals scored as they serve their penalties. Think of the TV ratings in the USA.

Think of the royalty checks I'll receive. Now, hopefully these will be the only flops we'll see next time at the World Cup.