Cell phones and Star Trek:
We finally broke down and purchased a Bluetooth ear thingy (actual technical term) for our cell using a $15 class action lawsuit settlement against Verizon to save a little cash on it. I have to say, it is a handy little device, but I’m finding it excruciatingly difficult to not answer the phone, “Yes, Captain!” every time it rings. It’s really bringing out the hot black inner sci-fi chick in me. Err. I think I’ve said too much.
Class action lawsuits:
Seriously, a $15 coupon when the lawyers made millions EACH? If I wasn’t able to say things like “I’ll turn on the universal translator,” when the phone rings, I might have had to complain.
Swimming (again):
Why are fog-free goggles so important for the lap swimmer, such as I? I mean, what is there to see, really? Does it really matter if the black line is foggy?
Amazingly, it seems to be that it really does matter. I’m as thrilled as a middle school student at a dance with a power outage with my new $15 fog-free swimming goggles. Not only do I get to see the black line in HD (as well as the floating Band-Aids, phlegm strings, and lifeguards), but I can also finally see the comedy of 40-70 year olds doing flip turns while they swim at 2 miles per hour.
There is nothing in this world like a hairy pair of legs which appear detached from body as they flail and rotate in slow motion. Like the flight of the Monarch butterflies, the flight of the hairy white man-legs is a sight everyone should see once in their lifetime. Unfortunately, I have to see it three times a week.
Tivo:
I may be a modern man, but I might not be a real man and quite honestly, I'm not all that disappointed if I'm not lumped in the same group as GW Bush. I'm not a real man because I do not need to see ANY sporting event on television in real time. At this point, I can barely even watch sports without speeding through the commercials and time outs anymore. I can’t fathom why anyone would want to sit through 2 hours of commercials for a one hour game. I can watch a whole game in under an hour. I can watch regular hour long television shows in 43 minutes. As perfect as this seems to me, I know it has to end. The advertisers won’t allow it and I’m waiting for the fallout which I envision will be something like this. We'll call it the New Television:
New television for Drama:
Jack Bauer (on fancy cell phone): I can diffuse this bomb, but I need something to eat.
Chloe (looking surprising dour, yet amazingly perky, also on phone): How about I send you some pizza from Dominos? If we order three mediums, they’re only $5 each! Plus we get free bread dipped in fat and coated in sugar!
Jack Bauer (pausing dramatically, then whisper talking for some reason.): Great plan, but let me finish my Coke first.
Chloe: That must be refreshing.
Jack Bauer (staring into camera): Oh, yea, it’s the real thing.
New television for sports:
Announcer 1: It’s a touchdown to Chad Johnson!
Announcer 2: And now it’s time for the Chad Johnson Viagra football dance, brought to you by Miller Lite.
Announcer 1(shaking head disgustedly): You may want to tell the children to leave the room for a moment.
Announcer 2 (oblivious to announcer 1 as he starts dancing as well): Man, I love that dance.
Announcer 1: Is there something you’re not telling me?
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Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
