Ask Mr. Teacher Man!

Today is an exciting day, as Tales of a Modern Man presents, "Ask Mr. Teacher Man!" Seeing that today's teacher is technically supposed to be the repository of human knowledge since the beginning of history, it seems unfair that once you graduate, you no longer have access to this incredible well of wisdom. So I've taken real questions from actual, breathing, fictitious people, and will share my wealth of information with you, my one and only reader. Why Mr. Teacher Man? Mostly, because that is what many of my Spanish only speaking students would call me (or Mr. Profesor Man).

Dear Mr. Teacher Man: What is a Huguenot?

The Huguenot is an important knot for sailing. In fact, Christopher Columbus, who led the Pilgrims to the new world, states that the improved technology for the knots in sailing (way back in 1776) led to his discovery of Hudson Bay. Rumor has it his favorites were the sailor's knot, the double bowline knot, and the Hugoknot, which allowed him to keep a mutiny starting Hugo Franchelli tied to the mast and prevented the sailors from turning the boat around and heading back to Columbus's district, which has now been renamed, The District of Columbia.

Dear Mr. Teacher Man: I'm a high school student and wondered if I can find a college where I can improve my video game skills?

I would say your best bet is the presigious Com Mu Nity College. They have a great dorm area called "Mom's Basement." From what I hear, HALO skills, which sound vaguely angelic, transfer well to religious schools everywhere.


Dear Mr. Teacher Man: One day at happy hour, my wife and I made a celebrity list of people who we'd be allowed to sleep with if we met them. Well, I've met one of the people on my list and Jennifer is all over me like a duck on a junebug. What is the proper course of action here?

America's Declaration stated that as American's we wanted to have "Life, Liberty, and the Persuit of Happiness." Your wife gave you the liberty to pursue this happiness. However, I would probably bet if you follow through on this situation, it might force her to end your life.

However, if it's one of the three Jennifers I'm thinking of right now, there would be only one real question to answer:

Would it be worth it?

Hope this helps. Mr Teacher Man, signing off.

Law and Order: Modern Victim's Unit

My wife is addicted to Law and Order. I'm not sure whether this is because it is a good show, or because it has taken its place above WINGS as the show that is on television any time you turn the television on. Does being popular make it good? Budweiser is drunk by close to 50% of our nation, but it doesn't make it a good beer? Bush was elected by over 50% of the population, no, wait, yes, he was the second time. Does that make him a good president? Pamela Anderson has been "seen" by a majority of Americans. Does that make her a good girl?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I hope not.

Oops. Did I type that out loud?

I have to admit, I occasionally watch the show, so here it is. Me being the LAW and finding something that should be illegal in our society, but then me being the ORDER as well, wreaking havoc with my fair, but probably pretty outlandish sentences for the guilty's transgressions.

Of course, this is only my opinion.

Please take a second to post what you think the appropriate punishment should be.

So I'll occasionally post these things as they happen to see what type of judge you are.

LAW: Loud Motorcycles, Usually Harley Davidson

The other day my wife and I were getting passed by a group, or possibly violent gang, of leather clad, boomer aged, men and women riding Harley Davidson’s. As I shouted unsuccessfully to my wife over the space shuttle-like roar of their engines, I noticed something that may have actually caused a small part of my brain to crawl out of my head and jump out of the car as it realized there really wasn't any reason to go on anymore.

Why was this?

Every person riding was wearing earplugs.

ORDER:

SOOOOO. IF something you own is too loud for you to handle the old fashion way, I sentence you to...

Sentence 1: Thou shall be forced to ride your Harley naked for 24 straight hours, in 100 degree weather, wearing nothing but a steel World War II style helmet.

Sentence 2: Thou shall be forced to listen to the extended version of Steppenwolf's "BORN TO BE WILD" turned up to ELEVEN on repeat, with headphones, until my hearing recovers from the last time a group of Harley riders passed my vehicle, or until your ears bleed, whichever comes first.

The doctor says my recovery could take years.